Astronomical Horoscope - August 22, 2014

Aquarius: circle this day on your calendar, because you will never be in this exact location in time or space again.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 21, 2014

Aries: be grateful that you have more technology in your pocket than what sent astronauts to the moon.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 18, 2014

Sagittarius: stop crying. So what if Pluto is no longer defined as a planet anymore. It was like 7 years ago.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 13, 2014

Cancer: you’re feeling down because you missed the Perseids last night. Cheer up, the Orionids are next in October.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 12, 2014

Libra: your love life may be feeling hellish, toxic, and under pressure, much like Venus. You don’t want to be on Venus.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 11, 2014

Capricorn: Saturn is further away from Earth today than yesterday. This should not affect your purchasing choices.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 8, 2014

Gemini: count yourself lucky that you were born in the past century and not 4 billion years from now when Andromeda is colliding with us.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 7, 2014

Taurus: stay away from IRAF today, it will only cause trouble, leading to despair, and your computer’s destruction.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 6, 2014

Leo: there may be great distance separating you and a loved one, but in the grand scheme of things that’s still less than a lightyear away.

Astronomical Horoscope - August 5, 2014

Scorpio: relax, you are in no danger of neutrinos mutating due to a solar eruption and heating up the Earth’s core.

(Your cell service may be interrupted though.)