Astronomical Horoscope - July 28, 2014

Cancer: you feel like you have a personal rain cloud today. You should probably consider taking up radio astronomy.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 25, 2014

Libra: the stars say nothing today, but their sky positions confirm that it’s Friday, July 25, 2014, so that’s good.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 24, 2014

Capricorn: you’ve been waiting for a signal to change your life, but all you hear is the persistent beep of a pulsar.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 23, 2014

Gemini: your love life is in danger when your significant other finds you spending hours alone with your telescope.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 22, 2014

Taurus: opportunities abound and you feel “the sky’s the limit”. Wrong. Beyond the sky is limitless space, so aim higher.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 21, 2014

Leo: Mars is continuing to move farther from Earth today, don’t worry, it’s not because of what you did this weekend.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 18, 2014

Scorpio: you’re happy because you realized that both you and [insert famous person] are made of stuff from the same star.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 17, 2014

Aquarius: you feel grateful for Jupiter, because it has saved your life from various comets throughout the eons. Now say “thank you” and go back to work.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 16, 2014

Aries: you’ll find yourself staring at the Moon in longing, likely because 45 years ago today Apollo 11 was launched.

Astronomical Horoscope - July 15, 2014

Virgo: it’s pay day, so now is the perfect time to Kickstart your own manned mission to Mars. Good luck, we’re all counting on you.