Libra: you feel trapped at your job today. Escape your desk and check out these space pics. Our universe is awesome, now quit your job and get one doing some space stuff.
Capricorn: if you’re feeling like there’s not enough time in the day, move to Venus, 1 day is 116 Earth days there.
(Of course there’s the downside of the whole toxic atmosphere and high pressure, but think of all the things you could do in a day there)
Gemini: you see into the past everywhere you go today, because it takes light 8 minutes to reach us from the Sun.
(Plus whatever time it takes to cover the small distance the light has to travel once reflected off of everything you see.)
Taurus: if you wish on a shooting star, wish that the meteor isn’t going to hit someone you love, like yourself.
Leo: take a moment to thank gravity and Earth, because if you were born in space you wouldn’t look completely normal.
Scorpio: there may be more darkness in your life today, but its probably because there’s a New Moon. Nothing to worry about.
Aquarius: circle this day on your calendar, because you will never be in this exact location in time or space again.
Aries: be grateful that you have more technology in your pocket than what sent astronauts to the moon.
Virgo: you are overcome with energy today. Use it wisely, because the stars that burn the brightest live brief lives.
Pisces: you’re in the mood for a thrill today, well nothing is more thrilling than trying to find parking on Comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko.
Sagittarius: stop crying. So what if Pluto is no longer defined as a planet anymore. It was like 7 years ago.
Cancer: you’re feeling down because you missed the Perseids last night. Cheer up, the Orionids are next in October.
Libra: your love life may be feeling hellish, toxic, and under pressure, much like Venus. You don’t want to be on Venus.
Capricorn: Saturn is further away from Earth today than yesterday. This should not affect your purchasing choices.
Gemini: count yourself lucky that you were born in the past century and not 4 billion years from now when Andromeda is colliding with us.
Taurus: stay away from IRAF today, it will only cause trouble, leading to despair, and your computer’s destruction.
Leo: there may be great distance separating you and a loved one, but in the grand scheme of things that’s still less than a lightyear away.
Scorpio: relax, you are in no danger of neutrinos mutating due to a solar eruption and heating up the Earth’s core.
(Your cell service may be interrupted though.)
Aquarius: don’t let the Sun bully you. It’s only a giant nuclear furnace that would fry you without the Earth’s atmosphere.
Aries: you find yourself physically attracted to someone. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s natural. It’s also called gravity.
(If you do not wish to be gravitationally bound to this person, achieve escape velocity and break orbit now.)
Virgo: your life will take a dark turn when the Sun dips below the horizon due to its roughly 24 hour rotation.
Pisces: someone new is in your life, and your passion for them burns with the power of 1000 Suns. Congrats, you’ve killed them.
(And everyone else on the planet. Well done, literally.)
Sagittarius: stop waiting for the world to change. Earth has been here for roughly 5 billion years, and it’s changed a lot.
(Maybe you’re the one who needs a change.)
Cancer: you feel like you have a personal rain cloud today. You should probably consider taking up radio astronomy.
Libra: the stars say nothing today, but their sky positions confirm that it’s Friday, July 25, 2014, so that’s good.
Capricorn: you’ve been waiting for a signal to change your life, but all you hear is the persistent beep of a pulsar.
Gemini: your love life is in danger when your significant other finds you spending hours alone with your telescope.
Taurus: opportunities abound and you feel “the sky’s the limit”. Wrong. Beyond the sky is limitless space, so aim higher.
Leo: Mars is continuing to move farther from Earth today, don’t worry, it’s not because of what you did this weekend.
Scorpio: you’re happy because you realized that both you and [insert famous person] are made of stuff from the same star.
Aquarius: you feel grateful for Jupiter, because it has saved your life from various comets throughout the eons. Now say “thank you” and go back to work.
If you can’t understand the title, just squint your eyes and tilt your head. It reads: SCIENCE!
Aries: you’ll find yourself staring at the Moon in longing, likely because 45 years ago today Apollo 11 was launched.
Virgo: it’s pay day, so now is the perfect time to Kickstart your own manned mission to Mars. Good luck, we’re all counting on you.
Pisces: since having that extra coffee this morning you feel like taking a risk today. Apply for some telescope time.
Sagittarius: It’s Friday, yet you feel weighed down. That’s Earth’s gravity. Try a Moon Bounce or moving to the actual Moon.
Cancer: you’re feeling selfish today. Guess what? You’re not the center of the solar system, that would be the Sun.
Libra: you feel the end is near, but that’s probably because you watched Armageddon last night. Not gonna happen anytime soon, so quit your worrying and go live life.
(Plus, last I checked Bruce Willis is still alive, so as you can see, our back up plan is still in place.)